What to do when you can’t stand your friend’s new partner

Friendships are amazing. These relationships can be some of the most healing and nurturing in your life, providing you an opening to vent, be silly, and have fun, while avoiding the drama that’s more common in relationships with family members and romantic partners. Still, friendships require work, and they’re not without their moments of tension. A common example of this is when your friend gets a new romantic partner, requiring everyone involved to adapt to new factors. Sometimes it works well and sometimes it doesn’t, resulting in you having to spend plenty of time with someone you don’t like.

Here’s what you should know about coping with the annoying partner of one of your closest friends:

Try your best to be cordial

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Before trying to figure out why you dislike your friend’s partner so much, it’s important to put your friendship first. “Respect and love for our partner and friend should come first,” said psychologist Lorena Gonzales to our sister website HOLA! Spain. 

“This means you must make an effort to have a cordial relationship with your friend’s partner. There’s no need to be best friends in order to be respectful. You simply must try your best to enforce an adult, normal and relaxed dynamic with them on the occasions when you see each other.”

Are you projecting onto your friend’s relationship?

It’s also important to figure out why you’re feeling this way and what is it that disturbs your friend’s new relationship. Do you dislike that they’re spending more time with their partner and that your relationship with you has changed? If that’s the case then that’s not their fault and it’s important to recognize that in order to move forward.

If the reason you don’t like your friend’s partner is due to their toxic behavior or the way they treat your friend, talking about it is probably the right way forward. These conversations can be uncomfortable, so it’s important to speak your mind without invalidating your friend’s feelings.

Avoid spending time one on one with your friend’s partner

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Lastly, if the relationship is really bad, it might be best to limit the time you spend with the other person. While it’s difficult to navigate, especially if you don’t want your relationship with your friend to change, it’s best to limit possible confrontations until you’re better equipped to deal with them.

“It’s absolutely possible to maintain your friendship if you don’t like your friend’s partner,” said sex therapist Kaylee Rose Friedman to Very Well Mind. “It will take a lot of honesty, strong boundaries, and healthy communication between you and your friend to navigate the situation gracefully.”