Sharing your life - and your living space - with someone will always call for reserves of patience and understanding. And when you’re a couple, that’s even more the case, as psychologist Raquel Fernández points out. She tells us that while every relationship is unique, there are definite red flags that point to problems, and equally, ways to salvage a relationship you both want to save.
Red flag: Frequent conflict.
This may be expressed verbally (reproaches, criticism, complaints, etc.) or non-verbally (looks of contempt, derogatory gestures, raised voice, etc.)
Arguing isn’t necessarily bad as long as respect is maintained. However, if you’re always at odds over even the most trivial matters, it may be because you’ve reached a point where you simply can’t bear to acknowledge the other person’s point of view.
“If the conflictive relationship becomes chronic it will be increasingly difficult to put right,” warns Raquel Fernández.
What to do: Listen, making time to really pay attention to your partner. That way, you can look for a compromise.
Red flag: No sex
Every couple has its own rhythm, and nobody should feel forced to have sex more often than they want to. However, when sex disappears completely from a relationship and there are no signs of affection between the partners, that needs looking at. Perhaps the explanation is lack of time or day-to-day stress, but it could be a deeper issue.
What to do: Caring gestures, caresses and non-sexual touch are ways to show affection and reestablish intimacy, without putting the other person under pressure.
Red flag: The silent treatment
When someone expresses their sense of grievance by refusing to communicate, it is an attempt to maintain control, create uncertainty and manipulate the other person, who may not even know what they have done wrong.
What to do: You both need to put ego aside, talk, listen and empathize. When you are in the wrong, recognize that.
Red flag: Constant criticism
Highlighting their defects makes the other person feel undervalued and under-appreciated, and also creates a situation of inequality.
What to do: If your partner’s behavior is a serious problem for you, you need to discuss it in a mature, positive way, as far as possible focusing on the behavior itself, rather than condemning the person. Learn to give and accept constructive criticism, trying not to turn it into a personal attack.
Couples therapy
More and more people are turning to this. It can help them to work out if they want to stay together and if so, to begin to build a new, healthier way of relating to each other.
,type=downsize)