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Some people are never to blame for anything - at least according to them. Their attitude is rather like that of young children who, when they’re caught doing something they shouldn’t, point the finger at someone else. And indeed, according to pyschologist Rafael San Román of iFeel, those adults who can’t assume responsibility for their mistakes have an immature personality.
Their go-to strategy for coping with life is “probably based on fear of having to assume the consequences of their own actions,” says the expert.
He adds that this behavior is learned, and, if we want to help the person change: “We must ask ourselves when they learned to do this, why it worked for them, and why they need to keep doing it.”
He explains that while some people know deep down they are at fault, many who act in this way genuinely believe that it is everyone else who is the problem. Such people “tend to see themselves as neutral spectators of life, or as victims of everything and everyone, without any personal influence on events”.
© GettyImagesHow to help them change
Analyze your relationship with them: How we approach the problem depends for example on whether they are a parent, co-worker or lover. If you can see that they’re repeating behaviour learned in their relationship with someone earlier in their lives, point out that you are not that person, and it doesn’t have to be like that.
Avoid direct confrontation: It rarely works, they just become even more defensive. Rather, they gradually need to be made aware that their point of view is not the only one and that they have influence both in their own life and in the lives of others.
Where possible, keep it light: If this isn’t a really entrenched problem, but a more superficial one, next time the person refuses to blame, try saying something like, “Hey, I guess you must have had something to do with it, right?”
Don’t let it go: This kind of behavior isn’t good for us or for the person themself and if we tolerate it, we can end up as an accomplice. Practice assertiveness and don’t help them feed the kind of narcissistic fantasy (“I am good, others are bad”) in which they’re involved.
