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Assertiveness is a basic social skill; the ability to speak up for ourselves in a way that is honest and respectful. It doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but can be learned, improving both our social and working relationships. An assertive person has good self-esteem and shows that they value themselves, but equally that they empathise with and value others. That means it’s a win both for you and those around you.
Keys to assertive communication
Speak simply, directly and concisely, conveying your way of seeing things honestly. Avoid accusations or making the other person feel guilty.
Explore the power of ‘I’. It will help you to communicate without appearing hostile or imposing your judgment. If you use phrases like ‘I believe’, ‘I feel’, ‘I consider’, and ‘I would like’ you will be sharing your views while leaving the door open for dialogue. Avoid using aggressive language such as ‘you never’, ‘you always’, ‘you are’ or ‘it is you who’.
Cultivate calm. When your own emotions are under control you inspire more confidence and the other person will feel more relaxed.
Set your limits. It is healthy to set your own limits and to respect those of others. Be consistent so that they
know where you stand.
Think about who you’re talking to. You can adapt the words you choose, your tone and posture to be more in tune with them, making them more receptive to your message.
Ambience is important. Try to make the other person feel comfortable with you and create a climate of trust. For example, you can start with a colloquial tone to make them feel more relaxed.
Show consideration. If you’re going to communicate something difficult, don’t start by saying: ‘I have some bad news’. It’s better to say something like: ‘I have to tell you something that may not please you.’ This shows that you have considered the other person as well as giving them time to prepare emotionally for what is coming without adopting a defensive attitude.