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Since the tragic passing of her husband, Stephen "tWitch" Boss, in December 2022 at the age of 40, Allison Holker has faced a whirlwind of emotions and an uphill battle to heal. In the immediate aftermath of tWitch's death, Holker experienced profound grief that shook her to the core. "I felt grief so deep my bones ached," Holker, 36, shared in an interview with PEOPLE. Soon after, waves of anger followed as she struggled to process the loss.
"The last two years I was hit with blow after blow after blow," she said, reflecting on her journey. These raw and painful emotions have become a central theme in her forthcoming memoir, "This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light," set to release on February 4.
© GettyImagesConfronting tWitch's Hidden Struggles
Holker's memoir illuminates the hidden demons her late husband faced in his final days. "It really hurts me that Stephen held everything in for as long as he did," she said. Despite his public persona of strength and positivity, tWitch's internal battles remained concealed from those closest to him.
Holker wishes he had felt more comfortable openly seeking help and expressing his struggles. "When Stephen started being at his lowest, he would try to open up a little bit about things, [but] he was very careful about his wording," she said.
Allison Holker Discovered His Drug Addiction
Weeks after the Ellen DeGeneres Show co-executive producer, DJ, and dancer died, Holker found mushrooms, pills, and "other substances I had to look up on my phone." Allison saw them hidden inside his shoeboxes. "I was with one of my really dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out an outfit for him for the funeral," Holker, 36, recalls.
© @allisonholker"It was a really triggering moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I did not know existed. It was very alarming to me to learn that there was so much happening that I had no clue [about]," she continues. "It was a really scary moment in my life to figure that out, but it also helped me process that he was going through so much and he was hiding so much, and there must have been a lot of shame in that."
Turning Pain Into Purpose
In the wake of tWitch's passing, Holker has channeled her grief into action. She founded the Move With Kindness Foundation and partnered with the National Alliance on Mental Illness to promote mental health awareness and support. "It's important for me to share the truth to make things easier for someone else," she explained. Holker hopes her openness can inspire others struggling with mental health challenges to seek help. "If you just ask for help, someone could help you find the light again."
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health or considering suicide, support is available. Contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 or texting "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. You are not alone.
Finding Healing Through Therapy
In 2023, therapy became essential to Holker and her children's healing process. While she acknowledges the difficulty of allowing herself to receive help, she is learning that "it's okay to not be okay."
© GettyImages"For the last two years, I felt like I wanted to get my family through everything, and I realized I haven't taken a moment to also heal myself," Holker admitted. Therapy has allowed her to take steps toward her emotional recovery, and she is embracing support from friends, loved ones, and professionals.
Compartmentalizing Trauma and Cherishing Memories
One of Holker's most significant challenges has been separating her trauma from her cherished memories with tWitch. "I need to remember that we still shared such a great love, and he was such a great dad," she shared.
While closure may remain elusive, Holker is focused on finding a balance. "I'm not going to have closure. My kids aren't going to have closure. That's still something I'm trying to understand myself, which is why therapy is wonderful," she said.
A Fresh Start for the Family
A year after tWitch's passing, Holker and her children moved into a new home, marking a pivotal step toward a fresh start. "I was starting to feel so heavy carrying all these emotions and memories in my last home," she explained. The move brought lighter energy and a sense of renewal to the family. "I knew that we needed lighter energy around us, and when we got here everyone felt like they could take a fresh breath for the first time in a really long time," she added.
Building Strength for Her Children
Holker is determined to instill strength and resilience in her children, especially her eldest daughter, Weslie. "The No. 1 thing I want to do for Weslie is give her the strength to handle anything that she is facing," she said.
© GettyImagesDrawing from her own experiences growing up in poverty and overcoming bullying, Holker is teaching her children to keep moving forward despite life's challenges.
Moving Forward as an Individual
As Holker continues her journey, she is focused on rediscovering herself. "I'm going to be finding the best version of who I am," she said. "Not the best version of who I was with Stephen, or before him — but who I am now as an individual. I know I can do it."
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health or considering suicide, support is available. Contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 or texting "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. You are not alone!
